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[09 Aug 2009|01:53am] Tonight I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as they could go and clasped my hands together until they hurt praying to whatever force of the universe might listen to me to push me back in time. I wanted to open them and see myself in the art room in high school sophomore year so I could do this over. I want to do this over more than anything, before anything bad ever happened to me. Before I lost my creativity. I realize I was feeding off of that idea of alienation that I got in high school to fuel my sense of isolation and independence. Everything now is watched, me watching myself. Everything is filtered, because I've seen everything thats been done. I want to go back, fix all my regrets and fucking start over. But I can't. No matter how tight I squeeze my eyes and how hard I clasp my hands, I still hear the same drunken cacophony of my roommates and the laughter that seems to never end. But I'm not fucking laughing. 2 +.| Magnin transplant?

[22 Dec 2007|06:44pm] hi I forgot about this who still uses this? 8 +.| Magnin transplant?

[08 Jun 2006|06:00am] I wonder how many people killed themselves on 6/6/6/ Think about it, it's a good day to go out on if one's been meaning to when will there be another 6/6/6/? IN A THOUSAND YEARS. we've only existed for two. Think of how much has changed in the past thousand years. Another thousand.... what will the world be like then? We cannot even imagine what will have occured. will the apocalypse have come? Will humans still exist? Will everyone eat cultivated meat by then? Will there be anarchy? Nukes? other planets to live on? Wars with alien races? New species? none? nothing at all? just space? and now I have to go to school. 2 +.| Magnin transplant?

[01 Jun 2006|08:49pm] does anyone have any ridiculous old antiques I can have? I will pick them up if you want to get rid of anything like old clothes and shoes and stuff maybe if something is special or extra cool i'll pay i love you. 2 +.| Magnin transplant?

[31 May 2006|02:39am] Beautiful to live in poverty Just to spite what they're selling Take a thousand hits to prove the rest and I'll move in Millimeters still won't mean shit against well-done subversion Fathers of invention will one day turn in their graves When their own sons and daughters Manifest destiny into a lesson to others Sent away my crippled let the old ones categorize their deathcamps, they're all dead Burn Burn Burn Like they did to the Anarchists at their stakes And Burn Burn Burn The histories they stole from us One day patriotic thugs will dance to songs of justice And cringe, and rack guns of shame. Well it may take a team of well-rounded hoodlums In full riot gear to unrest objection A well-controlled media to pick out our terrorists When beaurocrats start dying from cancer There are already businessmen who'll market bottled water And purified aerosol solution, guess who's their target Seven approaching a measure off the map And you'll see me dance in the street once again And it'll Burn Burn Burn like they did to the Anarchists And it'll Burn Burn Burn like the histories they stole from us One day patriotic thugs will dance to songs of justice And give apologies for a immeasurably acted perfection -+Against Me!+ Magnin transplant?

Salinas Valley [29 May 2006|12:07am] one: I am a bare-footed hobo and i walk everywhere on these feet. I have ripped pants and suspenders and not much to eat. take me home with you please, i especially love sweet things. a pile of hay will do for me to sleep. two: I am a ragdoll, a circus runaway born in an oil drum. all i have is my cello and I play to eat. I also play for fun. My cheeks are pink from drinking too much gin, given to me by a hobo who looked too thin. I gave him sweets and a lap on which to nap. I woke him with a kiss and we headed south. three: Onto the train, stow-away playing cards and eating grass we live off of rice and beans. In the back with the rattle we sleep through the north. wait until the lands get flat and the air is earthy in our noses. Wait until dawn. We will head out, day after day in the sun. Nighttimes by the campfire and sleeping for fun. True Freedom true gifts, true Love Salinas valley has hope for us 2 +.| Magnin transplant?

[28 May 2006|05:19pm] [ mood | drunk ] [ music | neon maniacs - transplant baby ] ( this summer we will run away with the carnival ) peace and love. 8 +.| Magnin transplant?

[18 May 2006|06:56pm] My cello teacher is leaving on Saturday. I had my last lesson monday She left me one of her old cello strings, one which she used at the conservatory which undoubtedly got much use. I wear it around my neck along with one of Rasputina's cello strings...it really inspires me to practice. I had a lot more to write about but now I have an incredible urge to go practice Last night I drempt i was at a huge convention and there were a bunch of kids in knight costumes putting on a crappy kid's play and then there was George Bush at the other end of the hall saying a speech no one was listening to, everyone was crowded around the crappy kid's play and I was watching him to see if he noticed or even cared. Then there was a rush of people, a mob and I was at the front of it, yelling at George Bush. Just screaming at our stupid president. Does he represent our people? No. We go to war, did he ever ask us if we wanted to? No. Just people of the fucking board. People in the fucking high office. People in the fucking senate vote for that war and don't fight in it. OF COURSE NOT. I fucking screamed at him, I told him good. (sarcasm- i wasn't telling much, just blowing off steam). It was very therapudic. Magnin transplant?

[18 May 2006|06:41pm] [ mood | sick ] this amuses me incredibly. Magnin transplant?

[11 May 2006|01:31am] Had anyone ever noticed that it actually feels GOOD to be electrocuted? like an orgasm? are there people who compulsively electrocute themselves? and danger killing themselves? do they need more and more electricity to feel the same effects? like a drug? 13 +.| Magnin transplant?

[09 May 2006|01:13am] [ music | neon maniacs _transplant baby = my favrte ] cut it out rip it out anaesthetic cyber connetic electric no feelings. I dont hear anything! ohhh you are my transplant baby ohhh whoaaa you are my transplant baby transplant baby transplant baby whoaaa slice it up into pieces amputate implicate robotic biotic transfusion the worst solution ohhh ohh ohh you are my transplant baby ohhh oh whoaaa you are my transplant baby transplant baby transplant baby i said ohhh oh whoa you are my transplant baby transplant baby transplant baby 2 +.| Magnin transplant?

[08 May 2006|12:26am] Can someone please go read my poetry http://killbot2k.livejournal.com/39731.html?mode=reply 2 +.| Magnin transplant?

[07 May 2006|11:51pm] Egon Schiele Nu féminin assis aux bas bleus, 1914 Le letteur, 1913 if let, I will reproduce something of his for drawing & painting class 7 +.| Magnin transplant?

[01 May 2006|03:09am] n n none of t h h is is mine x hysterics x paranoia x insomnia x hallucinations x vertigo x black outs th i is wh at I know i d n't 3 +.| Magnin transplant?

[30 Apr 2006|09:03pm] [ mood | caffeined ] [ music | antidote - out of control ] yo peeps i just wanted to let you know i've lost my mind. kthnx PANDA ATTACK!!!! oh, I love my grandma... and Jakke's panda. I had the best time EVER sleeping over on friday. We did kung fu in the kitchen and blasted the Clash and I cooked some potatoes and drank crappy american beer. We played some records then explored the attic and I smashed something... i dont remember what it was. Thats when we found panda, a relic of Jakke's childhood and I took over custody since panda seemed cold and lonely in his bed of esbestos. Then me and panda hid in a closet and attacked jakke when we were found. Then we put bunches of blankies around and slept in them until three when I woke up and ate some berries and then watched Sin City then slept again till later. yay. 4 +.| Magnin transplant?

[27 Apr 2006|09:25pm] Today I had my first cello practice for weeks since my cello was being fixed. We sat in the hardwood living room, as usual, with new paintings of hers all around. She told me one was going for $300. That's not bad. She's really glad to be graduating from RISD, she really doesn't like all the modern computer stuff and abstraction they teach. After all, she is strictly a traditional painter. Sadly, she announced she will be moving to North Carolina with her wonderful boyfriend Henry at the second week of june. She says she doesn't know any cello teachers she could refer me to but I told her my aunt does, and she said I should find one as soon as possible so she can go away knowing i'm all set. Unexpectedly, tears started to come into my eyes, and I kind of cried into the neck of my cello thinking about her really having to go. I was kind of embarrased and I apologized but she told me I was sweet and she was sad to go too, but it would be better for her. She also said she'd teach me as much as she could in until she leaves, which is quite a stretch even to once a week with packing, graduating, commisions and planning a new life in a new location; she's quite busy. She promised we'll play some gin rummy too before the second week in june when she's officially leaving. She'll be gone for at least two years while Henry finishes his music degree, but we'll stay in touch, I'm sure. Not emails, I hope, but real letters that come in the mail. When my lesson was over I stepped out onto the porch where Henry was playing some kind of small guitar and I remember our nighttime lessons and standing out on the porch with her roommates and feeling like I myself was in college. I smelled the city air and looked at the bright sky and in one second I saw my future and all its posibilities flash before me and dissolve, leaving me with a great sense of anticipation for my own future. 2 +.| Magnin transplant?

[27 Apr 2006|12:44am] I went to therapy today. I talk a lot there, I also say "I don't know" a lot and "I can't explain it." a lot. I can't explain why when everything is going so well all of a sudden I can't see anything, I feel like I can't breathe and i'm locked in a sad state, completely detached from the motions and events going on around me. I physically feel like I can't breathe, I get nauseous and I can't see the board during class. My ears seem to fill up with rage and I cant hear the teacher talk. I look at my friends and I don't recognize them. I feel like my body goes through these motions that I can't control. Like I am sitting back inside myself watching one part of me do the living, going through the motions, and the other part is suffering deep inside of me. I can't explain why I go through phases of insomnia and then never getting out of bed. I don't know why I suddenly feel so dead inside, when I have all these things going good right now. I should be making art instead of weak emotional scribbling, I should be playing cello all the time and getting great. Instead I take a meager amount of time in the morning to play while I have the energy to because I know I will either be having too much fun later or unable to leave my room. But I can never tell which way it will go. What I do know is that I know myself. I know myself so well I don't know much of anything else. I've known of other people that feel the way I do and it makes a person very self centered when they are sick or even think they are sick, which I think I think I am a lot. But I also think I think i'm a lot sicker than I actually am, a harrowing perspective that takes me over sporadically. One day I feel on top of the world and the next I feel like a tiny insect waiting for the merciful foot to come down and squash me. The only thing that can really help these periods of internal cacophony is by writing it down, so I will continue to write these entry things because it helps. And now I feel better. 2 +.| Magnin transplant?

[26 Apr 2006|09:47pm] [ mood | creative ] My momma told me to ignore those scummy boys. They'll tell you they love you but it dont mean a thing. They got only one thing on their mind and it aint flowers and santa claus you'll find.... Now daddy said, I'll teach you how to act. You sit all day at that school, but when you come home you better react. I've got a hand raised and its ready to smack. You think life's all sweets and tarts when you're in grade school but my little girl wont go acting like no fool. Listen, listen to what I say! You think you know what business is? I've sure got something to teach you. and I said, yeah i'll fight for you. It's an ugly world an im gonna get through. I have brain power and one good clue: that I never ever wanna be like you. You see now mommy, I've never cared about boys, flowers or santa claus. But growing up without these things, what is left behind? what do I have left? I forget painting my pretty little nails and buying nice shoes and jewlery for my hair...and being asked out and tv sitcoms I sit in my room with my headphones on. Listen, listen what I say! I never cared about any of that anyway! It was beaten out of me before I had a chance, you turned your back and I was someone else. I never been no typical clueless girl, I'd never wear high heels and perfect bouncy curls. I said I'd never be, i'd never be like them and i'm still your little girl, but now all the hell I care about is war. Magnin transplant?

[22 Apr 2006|11:49pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | crass - dry weather (in my head) ] Is there anyone prepared to tell me why Tell me why I'm being sucked dry You offer your protection but insist when I decline You offer independence but demand I tow the line You say you give me freedom but you hang on to the key Well don't you think perhaps the decision's up to me? Is there anyone prepared to tell me why Tell me why I'm being sucked dry So tell me I'm dreaming if I want to live You ride on me, ( SUCK MY ENERGY ) You take what you want when you want it You reject any change that I make. You ask me for more when I've spent it When I've given it all, you still take Is there anyone prepared to tell me why Tell me why I'm being sucked dry Used as a tool Treated like a fool Spat on Shat on Totally confused Fucked up Mucked up Totally abused Pulled about Fooled about Treated like a toy Joked about Poked about Something to destroy Tricked? Kicked? I DON'T WANT THESE GAMES. Magnin transplant?

I have conversations [22 Apr 2006|10:54pm] clark838383: hey opheliatag: good just got back from dinner with will b. clark838383: how's he doing?\ PSYlocobin: maybe hes coming back in the night opheliatag: shit opheliatag: shit opheliatag: shit Attacofmonky: tuesday?!? opheliatag: fooof clark838383: lapse in and out of it on a casual basis opheliatag: people dont make sense to me futureJollyHobo: youington? opheliatag: waz^ clark838383: what dominates your thoughts? opheliatag: drunk as fuck Attacofmonky: again? PSYlocobin: yep opheliatag: and imaginary things clark838383: reading is an escape opheliatag: so is sleeping clark838383: sleeping is one of the best Attacofmonky: thursday? opheliatag: fucking douche cunt PSYlocobin: PISS SHIT BUTT FUCKER opheliatag: lickdickfuckshit Attacofmonky: do you have any opheliatag: sex clark838383: and taking valium if i can get some MORE futureJollyHobo: ooom clark838383: tell me what it's like opheliatag: its likei dont care about aanything Attacofmonky: dude opheliatag: cause i have this person Attacofmonky: ok opheliatag: and they make everything great and well focused Attacofmonky: ok, do you have any clark838383: it's so relaxing and comforting.. opheliatag: on that one thing futureJollyHobo: i guess its the sunny side opheliatag: then it goes away like for a week futureJollyHobo: everything on that side of the house opheliatag: to costa rica or some shit opheliatag: oh fuck Attacofmonky: anyway opheliatag: will you grow a plant PSYlocobin: anus? PSYlocobin: SPHINCTER PSYlocobin: poo. clark838383: i know, i can't really explian the whole situation opheliatag: omg opheliatag: poooooo Attacofmonky: CAT futureJollyHobo: hi clark838383: but i t just sucks to resuscitate the same deadlock emotions over again PSYlocobin: yay opheliatag: OMG FUCK THIS SHIT. 4 +.| Magnin transplant?

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